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I’ve been practicing the art of surrender across select aspects of my life for quite a few years now, but, upon reflecting on the tangible benefits this approach has graced me with in those areas, I’ve begun to make surrender one of my default states of being, right up there with joy and peace. Surrendering—the act of letting go by letting be while releasing the need to control outcomes—is what Tara Brach calls “radical acceptance”; is when life begins, according to Marianne Williamson; and is what Eckhart Tolle describes as a yes state that enables us to work with life instead of against it.
Surrendering isn’t quitting, succumbing, caving in, or crumbling in defeat. In fact, true surrender is not passive at all. Surrender occurs after we’ve aligned our intentions and actions and then acted upon the recognition that we’ve done all we could to the best of our abilities given the circumstances we faced at the time. Surrender requires our strength and trust as we to step out of conditioned ways of doing and being in order to change our thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors.
It’s hard to let go of fear, worry, regret, or anxiety over an outcome we can’t control, but doing so makes us stronger, wiser, better human beings and leads us into deeper states of grace. Surrender, according to Berkeley’s Well-Being Institute, is a coping skill worth developing because it decreases stress, increases our ability to respond instead of react, helps us move forward, and improves our senses of health, wellness, peace, and psychological well-being.
So how do we surrender without feeling like we’ve given up? How do we let go and move on from our outrages and furies without fighting or perseverating on what we think should and shouldn’t have happened? Here at Mindful Life Connections, we’ve developed a four-step process anyone can follow to move away from the turmoil of hanging on and move closer to feeling the presence of grace more often: Accept, do, release, allow.
These terms can mean different things to different people at different times, so maybe an exploration of their interpretations followed by some examples of how I’ve applied these steps of surrender in my life might help you apply them in yours.
Accept: By acknowledging the present reality of the matter, the existence of the problem, the effects of the behavior, the limitations of our intervention, or whatever it is we need to accept, we begin to stop struggling against what is and open ourselves up to receive what could be.
Do: Surrendering is an active endeavor best pursued only after we’ve taken whatever actions we could take and done so to the best of our abilities given the resources we had access to at the time, and then, once we’ve reached the place where we’ve determined surrender is the best course of action to take, we also do the work necessary to make surrender happen—beginning with acceptance and moving on to perhaps deconstructing our feelings, granting forgiveness to ourselves and others, learning to navigate changed circumstances, or whatever is appropriate for our unique situation.
Release: After we’ve done all we could and accepted our situation, there’s nothing left to do but let it go, give up control, and trust in the process, whether it’s the process of what you’re doing, the process of life, the process of ADRA, or all three. Etymologically, surrender means to give something up and to give and get back; to move over, above, and beyond what we release to become clearer—or rendered—into a different state of being. Releasing creates the space and the conditions for grace to appear in our lives.
Allow: The final step, allowing, is where grace comes in. Allowing can be defined as having a willingness to meet life as it is and an openness to outcome. It is witnessing the results of our actions, lettings things unfold, and embracing life fully. The thing with grace after surrender is we have to notice and allow its presence into our lives, and this process can help us do that. As Anne Morrow Lindbergh said, “If you surrender completely to the moments as they pass, you live more richly in those moments.” That, to me, is grace.
Although the ADRA steps of surrender can and should be personalized so we each can apply them to the big and small challenges we face in ways that make sense to us, it’s important to know surrender isn’t always a linear, one and done process; as you’ll see in some of the examples below, sometimes steps need to be switched around or repeated, and often times we need to customize the surrendering process to address our own unique needs and concerns.
Issue #1: Road rage
It seems obvious now, but years ago, it was a struggle for me to accept that having road rage was no longer serving me or aligning with the vision of the world I wanted to help create. Once I finally accepted that reality along with the facts that I have no influence over the rules of the road or how other people drive, what I did was adopt new habits and mindsets to reframe my thinking and responses. Instead of name-calling or tail-gating, I slowed down to the speed limit or below and took a more leisurely, courteous approach, letting drivers merge in front of me and assuming that speeding, tail-gating drivers were hurrying to a family emergency. I released tension from my heart, mind, and body while behind the wheel, and, by leaving earlier, I released any need to hurry or blame other drivers for keeping me from somewhere they knew nothing about. Taking those actions allowed grace in so that now I find enjoyment in the nearly two hours I spend driving every day. Between taking in the ever-changing scenery, imagining other drivers’ life scenarios, and listening to books and podcasts, I feel I’ve finally “let go of the smallness of life and fully embrace[d] its totality,” which is how the Chopra Center describes what it means to surrender.
Issue #2: Our past mistakes
We’ve all made those mistakes that we think we can never come back from: I drank too much at a work party; I engaged in gossip about a colleague and they overheard; several of my friends and family died before I could tell them something; I ate an entire bag of cookies; and before quitting a decade and half ago, I smoked cigarettes for over half my life. I could go on and on, but while I remember these instances, I no longer beat myself up about or perseverate on them. I’ve accepted that they happened and taken actions to make sure I don’t do them again, such as speaking directly to the people negatively affected, realizing that I was there for my friends when I could be and am more likely to be there now for the ones who remain alive and well, and giving up nicotine, caffeine, and [most] alcohol and sugar. I’ve released my attachment to many negative behaviors, often by trusting in recovery processes, and I’ve released the perfectionism that made it difficult to forgive myself for making mistakes in the first place. By reflecting on and celebrating how far I’ve come in my journey, I’m now able to allow myself and others the space to enjoy life and move forward instead of letting my past behaviors determine my future outcomes. That to me is a state of grace.
Issue #3: Our children (and theirs) growing up and making us old
What can I say about these issues that hasn’t already been said? Not much, but still, it bears repeating: we must accept our children are only “ours” for a short time, and we can only do the best job we can raising them up and then trust in that process before releasing them into the world by allowing them the space, freedom, and support they need to grow into their best selves. Grace occurs when they realize their potential, come back with their own children, and we watch the process happening all over again.
Grace is accepting my aging reality—again!—and vowing as of today to no longer say, “Things have gone horribly wrong.” Grace comes after accepting our bodies are getting older even while doing what we can to take the best care of them possible, and grace is achieved after releasing unrealistic expectations and allowing the surprises to emerge: that hard-earned streak of gray in my hair, my mom’s chins showing up on my face, the scars that turn into family lore retold around holiday tables, and those easily-won laugh lines around my eyes. Surrendering to the passage of time enables us to age gracefully.
All the other issues:
I realize now I could apply the ADRA surrender process to nearly every area of my life, and when I do, the quality of my life improves exponentially.
Socially: Because we only knew our yoga teacher, Renee and I were somewhat hesitant to join the women’s weekend she’d invited us on a few weeks back, especially knowing we could only stay one night. We accepted the invitation anyway, released expectations, prepared our share of the meals based on one of the spreadsheets, and combined this adventure with a daytrip we’d been wanting to take. We ended up visiting an out of the way Buddhist monastery we happened upon, enjoying our time with these gracious, organized, amazing new women who welcomed us into their circle more than we could’ve ever imagined, and wishing we could’ve stayed longer to learn more about and from them.
Work and vacation: Even with excellent people to work with, running institutes makes me nervous, posting late blogs makes me feel like a bad business partner, and vacations need more planning than just a place to stay, yet that’s the reality I’ve been working on surrendering to these past couple weeks. Accepting that I did all I could enabled me to release any worry or doubt about outcomes and live fully in the moments, and grace came in when it was all behind me and I was able to reflect upon, write about, and deepen my surrender practice while reclining on a hammock overlooking the ocean in Maine feeling gratitude for everything in this wonderful life I’m privileged to live, in large part because I’ve learned it’s okay to surrender.
If you would like more support or information about how letting go can help you move forward, connect with us about workshops, upcoming events, and coaching.
As we begin this meditation, take a moment to slow down and connect to the breath
Breathing in and out, at your own pace, noticing your breath
Accepting the breath, as it is, in this moment
As you breathe, see if you can become a witness to your mind
Look to accept what you see in a nonjudgmental, loving, self-compassionate way
Accepting yourself, just as you are, in the present moment
Who am I, right now, in this space?
What’s coming up for me?
Is my mind calm and serene?
Is my mind busy and frenetic?
Am I longing for the past?
Worried about the future?
Am I connecting to this moment now?
Am I accepting this moment now?
Continue breathing in and out, at your own pace, noticing your breath
Accepting the breath, as it is, in this moment
Accepting your mind, as it is, in this moment
Can I trust this moment
As it is
Without judgment?
Can I trust myself to slow down?
To rest, get still, and listen?
Can accepting this moment be a path to calm and rest?
Turn your attention now to your body
Begin to scan your body from head to toe and look for a place that is holding tension
Once you have that place identified, take some time to investigate it
How does the tension there feel?
Is it tingly?
What is the temperature?
Can you feel the edges? Are they sharp or smooth? Or is it mixture of feelings along the outline?
Do the atoms feel constricted in the area, or does it feel like there is space? If the area feels constricted, can you make space? If the area feels spacious, can you expand the space further?
Is the tension all at once, or does it come and go?
What happens if you breathe into it?
What happens if you bow to it?
Offer the tension tea?
What happens if you accept it?
Does exploring and accepting the tension help you release it?
Continue breathing in and out, at your own pace, noticing your breath
Accepting the breath, as it is, in this moment
Accepting what you feel, as it is, in this moment
Now bring to mind a time you felt joy
Where do you feel that joy in your body?
Begin to scan your body from head to toe and look for the place you feel joy
Once you have that place located, take some time to savor it
How does it feel?
Is it tingly?
What is the temperature?
Can you feel the edges? Are they sharp or smooth? Is it mixture of feelings along the outline?
Do the atoms feel constricted in the area, or does it feel like there is space?
Is the feeling all at once or does it come and go?
What happens if you breathe into it?
What happens if you sit with joy, truly accepting it, knowing you deserve the feeling, and re-playing in your mind what brings you joy?
Does exploring and accepting joy help you savor it?
Continue breathing in and out, at your own pace, noticing your breath
Accepting the breath, as it is, in this moment
Accepting what you feel, as it is, in this moment
Notice where you are right now
Listen within the stillness and see what comes up for you
What do you need to hear?
Where do you need self-compassion?
What needs tenderness and understanding?
What needs acceptance?
If you can, hold yourself in compassion.
You might want to put your hand on your heart
When you are ready, begin to wiggle your fingers and toes. Come back to the space in your own time and thank yourself for the gift of acceptance.
What we pay attention to grows, and what we say after “I am” is what we become. So, today and every day, let’s choose to focus on the many things—the many big and small things—that we have to be grateful for. Let’s say, “I am grateful, I am grateful, I am grateful” by meditating together and deepening the gratitude we feel for some of the blessings we have in our lives. Really feeling grateful will raise our vibration and attract even more good into our lives.
Before we begin our gratitude meditation, take a minute or two to settle in to your preferred meditation posture. Whether you choose to sit in a chair with your back straight or to lie down on a bed or floor, getting comfortable is the most important thing. Once you’ve settled in, feather your nest, as davidji says, and then, if you feel comfortable doing so, close your eyes or simply assume a soft gaze. Take a few deep, grounding breaths in and out, in and out.
Now bring to mind something you’ve seen today that made you feel grateful. It could be a beautiful sunrise or a fancy sports car, a child’s smile or a stranger’s nod in passing. I am grateful for the ability to see the flowers in bloom, the shape of an unusual tree trunk, the sparkle in the eye of someone who loves me. Think about some of the things you’ve seen that make you feel grateful to have experienced them in your life.
Now think about something you’ve smelled today for which you feel gratitude. Perhaps you wish to acknowledge that first hot cup of coffee this morning and the way its steam wafted into your nose or how your shampoo, soap, or body wash lingers on your skin. Maybe you want to bring to mind the scent of clean laundry spinning around in the dryer, its exhaust making the neighborhood smell like fresh linens. I am grateful to be able to smell the honeysuckle bushes in bloom, the sharpness of a freshly sliced lemon, the sweetness of my grandchild’s hair, and the signature perfume my daughter wears every day. Bring to mind some of the smells for which you feel gratitude and linger there a moment.
What have you enjoyed tasting today? Perhaps you feel grateful for the minty tanginess of your toothpaste, the way a glass of lemon water puckers your lips, or the sharp bitterness left in your mouth from that shot of expresso—or of whiskey. I am grateful to have tasted fresh, ripe berries, bitter and sweet herbal teas, and the pure non-taste of good, clean water. Focus for a few minutes on the gratitude you feel for what you’ve been able to taste.
Bring to mind something you’re grateful for hearing today: a belly laugh, a birdsong, your favorite song playing on the car radio. Maybe you’ve heard your cat purring in pleasure under your hands or someone saying they love you. I am grateful for hearing the wind blowing through tree branches, for the tree frogs playing their nightly symphony in my back yard, for the sound of water cascading over rocks and the murmur of late-night conversations. Acknowledge and appreciate some of the sounds that add richness and depth to your life.
What kind of things have you touched today? What can you feel gratitude for feeling? Is it the comfort of your bed, the cool spot on your pillow, the warmth of the shower water running over your skin, or the sense of well-being that comes from being loved? Maybe it’s feeling the dirt from your garden or the lather from your soap. I am grateful for feeling the work-roughened hands of my husband, the silky softness of my favorite blanket, and the growing grass beneath my bare feet. Take some time now to notice and feel grateful for all that you’ve touched and all that’s touched you.
Now, bring to the front of your mind some of the places you’ve been and for which you feel gratitude. Perhaps you want to acknowledge having a job to go to each morning and a home to return to each evening, or maybe you feel grateful for the places you’ve been able to visit, each with its own unique sights and sounds, scents and tastes. Can you feel grateful for the city or town in which you live, the places where you vacation? Where have you been that’s touched your soul and made you grateful to be alive on this wonderful planet we inhabit together? Notice and appreciate.
Finally, let’s express our gratitude for the people in our world. Recognize and acknowledge the important roles our family and friends play in our lives, how much they enrich it just by their presence. Think about the colleagues who support you at work and even those who challenge you, for all of them add value and depth to our days. Most importantly, be grateful for yourself, for your health and wellness, for your unique personality and the qualities that make you who you are and who you are becoming. I am grateful for my values, my hobbies and interests, my spiritual practices, my faults, and my accomplishments. What unique qualities do you possess that deserve your gratitude? What do you appreciate about yourself?
Now, as we bring this meditation to a close, notice and appreciate all that we have to be grateful for, all the things big and small, all the people great and simple, all the places, the sights, the sounds, the scents that enrich our worlds. Say aloud with me:
For all of this and more, I am grateful, I am grateful, I am grateful, I am grateful. And so it is.
Like most of us, I love and value my family, friends, and colleagues and want to maintain the happy and healthy relationships I’m so blessed to experience, so lately I’ve been thinking a lot about how I can deepen the connections I have with the people in my life. Connection helps all of us live better lives; in fact, study after study indicates that the quality of our relationships is the number one indicator of our happiness, life satisfaction, and oftentimes, longevity.
One of the main ways we try to connect with others is through our conversations with them. Every communicative exchange we have, according to Hilda Carpenter has an “afterlife” and leaves either a positive glow that brings us closer or, sadly, a sense of disconnection that moves us farther apart. If our relationships truly are one long conversation with each other, and if those “relationships form and dissolve one conversation at a time” as Carpenter claims, then I want to be even more mindful moving forward of interacting in ways that nurture, maintain, and grow those important connections in my life.
Here are five mindful communication strategies that offer the opportunity to deepen connection in all our relationships.
Set intentions. We can intend to use what Oren Jay Sofer refers to as anchor points and choice points as mindfully as we can. An anchor point is simply something we focus our mind on, and anchoring on our conversational partner honors them while strengthening our own awareness. Choice points—those moments when we decide whether to listen or to speak—are likely to deepen connection when we pay attention, openly monitor the exchange, and intentionally choose the action most likely to make the other person feel heard and valued. I’m going to set intentions to listen more, speak less, and be brief when I do because, as Celeste Headlee says, “A good conversation is like a miniskirt, short enough to retain interest, but long enough to cover the subject.”
Be curious. According to Ellen Langer in her Ted Talk, “Mindfulness over Matter,” our perceptions are always incomplete and partial, so we’re better off suspending our judgments and keeping an open mind. We can always learn more about our conversational partner, even if we’ve known them all our lives. Because people change and my interpretations are often wrong, I’m going to ask more meaningful questions while remaining open to ambiguity. I want to be a more flexible conversation partner who builds and deepens connection.
Practice empathy. Brené Brown describes empathy as “feeling with” someone because we have opened our hearts and compassionately connected with them. Sympathy, on the other hand, has a spoken or unspoken judgment attached to it. Brown says sympathy drives disconnection, as does responding to or “silver-lining” someone’s situation and using the phrase “at least.” In the future I will avoid those kinds of responses because I never want to make anyone feel as if I’ve minimized their experience in any way or that I’m not able to be vulnerable enough to open my heart to them. Empathy will keep us connected.
Listen and engage. By actively seeking understanding and clarification, instead of thinking about what we might say next and/or choosing our own brand of “personal broadcasting,” we honor and elevate the other person. We deepen our connection with them when we really, truly listen and then engage in that conversation. Julian Treasure suggests we practice RASA—receiving, appreciating, summarizing, and asking—to show we are focused on their message. And when our attention wanders, as it is bound to do, Mitra Manesh advises us to practice mindful listening by using the other person as our anchor and inviting our attention back to what is being said.
Focus on we instead of me. In her book Five Keys to Mindful Communication, Susan Gillis Chapman uses the image of a traffic light to help us stay mindful and connected in our conversations. The red light is the me-first zone, where we’re listening with an intent to respond instead of to understand. This is where we’re simply waiting for our turn to talk, whereas the green light is the we-first zone we want to be in for useful dialogues that further connection. When I find myself in the yellow zone, in the moment of choice, I want to remember to always choose green, to deepen our connection by putting we before me in every conversation.
What are some mindful communication strategies that you use to foster connection? Connect with us in the comments. We’d love to hear from you!
“There were times I could not afford to sacrifice the bloom of the present moment to any work, whether of the head or hand.”
Thoreau, Walden
A colleague recently posted on social media with a picture of a beautiful landscape and a caption about how she couldn’t let this moment pass. She actively decided to enjoy the present and answer all the emails another day.
In much of my life, I think of my future self. I do many of the things I do to ensure the future me will be well rested, organized, overall healthy, and not overwhelmed. I try to make meals in advance, pack my bag the night before, schedule how I will spend my time, meditate, exercise, and more to ensure a positive future.
In all my plans and preparations, I sometimes feel a pull to let it all go. I ask myself, “What am I missing out on today as I prepare for tomorrow?” I’m struggling with the balance of it all. I want to be present in this moment, and I want to be ready for the future. I recognize that I can be present in my preparations, and still I wonder about the post from my colleague and the quote from Thoreau. I want to make time for the present moment to bloom in its sometimes slow, still way.
Thinking back, there have been moments in my life when I have let it all go. I remember many campfires and getting lost in the flames. I watched in awe of the power of fire and how beautiful it was contained in the metal ring. I enjoyed seeing the colors change from the base of the fire to the wisps floating into the air. The fire was both destructive and beautiful like so much of nature.
In a similar way, I’ve also been in present awareness enjoying the water. It might be watching the waves come to shore, letting the sand cover my feet, or feeling the sun as I lay on the beach. Nowhere to go, nothing to do but enjoy the present moment.
As I move forward, I’d like to capture more of these moments in my everyday life. I want to live in present awareness and find more time to go with the flow and enjoy what is around me. I still believe in planning for my future, but maybe I can light a candle and watch the flame or dust off my plug-in water fountain to listen to the water flow. And at least once a day, stop all the future planning to be present and enjoy this moment, now.
What do you do to balance enjoying the present moment and taking care of the future?
An important part of any mindfulness practice is becoming aware of the power of our intentions. Intentions are commitments we make to ourselves about how we want to be rather than a list of things we aim to accomplish. They are so integral to our lives that “wise intention” is one of the key steps of the Buddha’s Eightfold Path.
Oprah Winfrey maintains, “Intention is everything” because it is through our intentions, or lack of them, that we create our reality. Since intentions have the potential to enrich every area of our lives, we’ve been working on becoming more intentional in all we do.
When the two of us started working together, we hit it off right away and enjoyed being colleagues, so when we realized we wanted to move our relationship beyond our day jobs, we set that and other meaningful intentions for how we wanted our friendship to be. We promised to always be honest with and supportive of each other while also declaring our alliance a drama- and judgment-free zone. We didn’t know we were making intentions at the time, but those shared agreements set the trajectory for a reciprocal bond that has enriched both our lives beyond measure and led to the formation of Mindful Life Connections.
We would all benefit from setting intentions for our most important personal and professional relationships, and we form one by asking, how do I want to show up in this particular relationship?
When intention is missing, we can find ourselves moving mindlessly through life, living on autopilot, or causing unintentional harm. How many times have we said, “I don’t remember anything about the ride here” or “what did she actually say”? Whether we were caught up in our thoughts or otherwise distracted, those things may happen because we didn’t set an intention for the experience and, as a result, may have ended up missing it.
Although we can and usually do make intentions every New Year, setting them for smaller segments of time can aid us in creating the lives we’d like to live without feeling that almost inevitable sense of failure every February because we didn’t set the incremental intentions that would help us bring into reality the new and improved person we resolved to become.
We can set an intention every single morning for how we want the day ahead to be, and we can set an intention before any conversation, any encounter, or any experience great or small.
Intentions don’t have to be complicated; in fact, simpler is often better. When we intend to really listen and make people feel valued, we can affect them in ways we never anticipated. When we intend to give people the benefit of the doubt, we can cause a ripple effect of goodwill. When we intend to nourish our bodies, we make choices that could lead to a longer, more vibrant life.
The classic Vedic text, the Upanishads, puts it this way: “You are what your deepest desire is. As your desire is, so is your intention. As your intention is, so is your will. As your will is, so is your deed. As your deed is, so is your destiny.”
How are your intentions are creating your desired destiny?
Lately, I’ve been thinking about the holiday season and how to capture joy. In the past, the holidays have tended to come at me in a rush. There’s shopping, cooking, and merriment all around me. Some years it washes over me, almost like a flood. When the holidays are over, I feel like I need time to recuperate and recover – like I’ve been through something. Pressure seems to creep up everywhere – have I done enough? Too much?
My focus is usually on how I can express my gratitude and love for those around me. I think about giving thoughtful gifts and making sure I show how much I think of those I care about. The focus has generally been on me. What do I need to do to show those around me how much I care? Somehow, that approach leaves me depleted. It never seems like enough because I know whatever I do, it is a small token of what those relationships mean to me.
This year, I am taking a new approach. I’ve decided instead of thinking about how I can create the perfect holiday experience and to do lists, I want to focus on to be lists. I want to be present for the holidays. I want to be calm, patient, kind, and grateful. I want to let go of the image I’ve conjured up about what the holidays should be, and I want to enjoy what is. The holidays are full of awe and miracles and also full of pain and challenges. I’m ready to embrace both with confidence that being in the moment will help me find connection whatever turns up. After all, that’s really what it is all about. How can I look at the holiday season as a way to connect with whatever happens? What intentions can I sent to be the person I want to be during the holiday season?
To start, I am setting an intention to see the light in those around me. I am going to look to acknowledge goodness and beauty and to create opportunities where I can reflect what I see. I want to let the clerk at the checkout counter know how much I appreciate her friendliness, the co-worker how much I appreciate their dedication and passion, my friends how much I appreciate their walks and talks, and my family how much I appreciate their ongoing love and support. I am going to look to be as specific as possible to let people know I see their light. I want them to know I think their light is beautiful and it is the best gift of all. I also want to turn outward, let go, and make the holidays not about me.
How will you manage the hustle and bustle of the holiday season? What intentions can you set to cultivate connection and be the person you want to become?
I often wonder why we’re so much harder on ourselves than we are on others, why I hear myself and others speak to and about ourselves in ways we would never say aloud in relation to another human being. Intellectually, many of us recognize how deserving of compassion, grace, tenderness, and understanding we are—and that those things can be qualities sourced from within ourselves as well as feelings bestowed upon us from others—yet, as always, it’s a big leap from theory to practice.
How do we break our self-deprecating tendencies and move ourselves past self-understanding and tolerance into actually feeling kindness, compassion, and love for ourselves? Luckily, there is no shortage of information and concrete action steps for us to follow. According to Dr. Kristin Neff, author of Fierce Self-Compassion and pioneer in the academic study of self–compassion, there are “three entryways into self-compassion: mindfulness, universality, and positive self-regard.”
Mindfulness: “Mindfulness tenderizes the heart,” writes meditation teacher and author of Radical Compassion, Tara Brach, “and then it teaches us to skillfully be with our emotions.” The first step in breaking any habit or identifying any emotion is to become aware of it and all that surrounds it. How does our inner critic speak to us? Are there any patterns we can identify?
Once we become aware of self-talk or inner beliefs that aren’t serving our highest good, we can take positive steps toward addressing them. Success coach and author Skip Downing offers several strategies to dispute irrational beliefs, including offering positive explanations, proving them wrong by offering evidence to the contrary, questioning their importance, and creating action plans.
Universality: We all have an inner critic, and we all struggle to be kind and compassionate toward ourselves sometimes. So it’s not just me, or you, or you: it’s everyone, everywhere. Acknowledging the universality of a condition makes it less personal, allows us to gain some distance from it, and drains it of its power.
By accepting our condition as universal, we become better able to zoom out and witness with curiosity and interest what is actually happening as well as whatever stories we may be telling ourselves about what happened. This zooming out, this witnessing “enables us to stop the war within,” says meditation teacher, Jack Kornfield, author of A Path with Heart.
Positive Self-Regard: Once we’ve become aware, taken actions, zoomed out, and stopped the war within for however long we’ve managed to stop it, it’s always shocking when the inner critic returns. Positive affirmations and the practice of meditation are effective strategies for creating and upholding positive self-regard.
In The High-Five Habit, Mel Robbins suggests we can all stay more upbeat if we give ourselves a high-five in the mirror first thing every morning, and, according to Downing, positive affirmations, such as I am a healthy, well-spoken, intelligent person who is kind to myself and others, will help us develop, acknowledge, and sustain the qualities we hold in high regard.
Kornfield and Brach call mindfulness meditation “training for the conscious and unconscious minds” and ask their students to adopt a “tender half-smile of self-compassion.” Other styles of meditation, such as those practiced by Deepak Chopra and davidji, involve self-inquiry, help us find contentment and joy by turning our restfully alert minds inward, and seek to aid us in developing inner strength as well as a foundation for passion that come from confidence, experience, and achievement. Many practitioners, including Dr. Joe Dispenza, believe meditation can provide freedom from limitation. Regardless of the approach we take during meditation, when we take the time to meditate, the three portals into self-compassion are practiced and deepened.
Now that we’ve “arrived” and moved ourselves forward on the self-compassion continuum, what actions can we take or avoid to deepen and sustain that indispensable mindset? The late, great Louise Hay, author of You Can Heal Your Life offers the following ten steps to foster self-love:
Stop all self-criticism. If we accept that our words become our reality, then we’d better choose good ones to describe ourselves. Plus, whatever we’re dealing with is most likely difficult enough, so piling criticism and blame onto ourselves only makes it that much harder.
Avoid scaring ourselves by catastrophizing or imagining worst case scenarios. Hay says we can interrupt the negative loop habit by coming up with a “switch to” image of something more positive, such as a sunrise, roses, Paris, or whatever resonates personally with each person.
Be gentle, kind, and patient with ourselves as we’re going through this process. If we notice any impatience, she says it is a resistance to learning and growth, which we can then lovingly interrogate through journaling or meditation.
Practice visualization. Vividly imagine with sensory details how it will be when a situation turns out in our favor. It works for medal-winning Olympians, and picturing what life would be like if we were to stop putting ourselves down and begin putting ourselves first can be a powerful strategy to help us do just that.
Praise ourselves. It’s not enough to stop putting ourselves down; we need to build ourselves up as well, so Hay was also a huge practitioner of affirmations. I am perfect. I am healthy. I am happy. I love and accept myself. It’s said that what we say after I am is what we become.
Accept the good in our lives, and believe we deserve it—because we do. And once we accept and welcome positive things into our lives, they will grow and multiply because like attracts like.
Ask for help and support. We can seek out therapy if we feel we need a professional, join a group of like-minded individuals, and/or ask our friends to help us find ways to rise above and grow beyond self-deprecation into self-acceptance. With additional support, it’s easier to move ourselves into the realm of self-compassion and eventually into forming robust self-love practices.
Engage in mirror work. Like Robbins, Hay was huge proponent of using the mirror to elevate our feelings toward ourselves. She says to look in our own eyes to forgive ourselves, to let the past go, to practice positive affirmations, and much more. Hay even carried a small compact around and told herself she was looking good multiple times a day.
Take good care of our bodies. It’s easier to be compassionate if we’re well-rested, nourished, and active, and it’s easier to become well-rested, nourished, and active if we love and accept ourselves with compassion and grace. A healthy body can lead to a healthy mindset.
Love ourselves now. Let’s not wait another minute. Take small positive action steps each and every day.
We hope these self-compassion suggestions can help us all treat ourselves more kindly. Connect with us to share the strategies you’re using to give yourself the love, compassion, and tenderness you deserve to have in your life.
Mindful Life Connections 