When I think about the role of acceptance in my life, it usually concerns people, situations, or events over which I have little to no control and the practice of allowing them and my emotions about them simply to be. Because learning to accept challenges in our lives is good inner and outer work and a necessary life skill when facing loss, grief, and change, there are countless resources and supports to help us learn how to do so. Tara Brach’s book, Radical Acceptance, and the entire field of Change Management immediately come to mind.
But, the part of acceptance that often gets short-changed, and the part I have found particularly challenging, is learning how to recognize and accept the good things that life brings. We see this phenomenon a lot with successful and driven people who often have difficulty accepting help, compliments, and/or success, so let’s take a brief look at each area.
- Help: Asking for help requires vulnerability, and accepting help, whether we asked for it or not, can often bring up feelings of shame, according to Dr. Lisa Firestone. She says we may have adapted to not getting our childhood needs met by becoming overly self-sufficient or by viewing ourselves as needy, weak, or burdensome when we do need help. Yet, giving and receiving are both necessary for nurturing connections and forming strong, interdependent relationships, especially if we’re usually the ones helping others. Brene Brown says, “If we cannot accept help without self-judgment, then we are never really offering help without judgment,” and, Simone Knego writes, “Telling someone, ‘You shouldn’t have,’ deprives the giver of the joy that comes from giving.” For the sake of our relationships with ourselves and others, we must practice accepting offers of help graciously, and it doesn’t have to be hard. Accepting assistance can be as simple as opening our hearts to others and saying, “Yes, please” and “Thank you so much” to the kindnesses they’re so generously willing to give us.
- Compliments: A study reported in Harvard Business Review claims 70% of people are uncomfortable accepting a compliment due to surprise, low self-esteem, social anxiety, or their history with praise. Regardless of the source of our discomfort, we can learn to accept compliments instead of practicing our usual responses of deflecting, reflecting, or rejecting them outright. Everyone everywhere says it’s best to graciously thank the person for the compliment, but that can be challenging given our conditioning. Christopher Littlefield suggests we start by recognizing that “the compliment is about the giver, not the receiver . . . [because] they are telling you how it made them feel” and by viewing the compliment as “an opportunity to connect with someone else or learn how others experience you or your work.” Jay Shetty recommends we accept the compliment and then expand it with gratitude by thanking another person related to our receiving of the compliment in the first place, such as a teacher or family member who helped us develop the skill or attribute being highlighted. We all want to feel seen, and accepting the compliments others bestow upon us is an important step in acknowledging and expanding our self-worth.
- Success: I know I’m guilty of not celebrating my successes, often because I’m too busy striving for the next one or because I don’t take the time in advance to define what success will look like and therefore fail to recognize it when it comes. Or, maybe I’m what Dr. Lance Dodes calls an “unhappy achiever,” someone who believes they’re valuable only when they’re achieving, which can manifest as both constant accomplishments and/or inexplicable procrastination on seemingly simple tasks. Dr. Dodes explains we can break this pattern by looking at our deeper motivations to succeed and figuring out what we want to accomplish for ourselves. Deep down, we all know our success wasn’t due to dumb luck or serendipity, so we must learn to accept and commemorate the positive results that stem from our hard work and dedication. We can all learn to accept our successes and take the time to celebrate them by believing we’re deserving of success, living in the present moment long enough to savor this success, thanking those who contributed, and valuing ourselves enough to acknowledge our many contributions to each of our accomplishments.
Do you find it difficult to accept the good things in life? Are there additional areas or strategies you can offer? We’d love to hear from you in the comments.
Author: Terry Shamblin
Mindful Life Connections 