Although she’s really calmed down since I started my mindfulness journey, my inner critic is always with me waiting for an opportunity to crush my joy, and I notice she does so especially well when I shift into autopilot instead of driving my life from a place of awareness and self-compassion. Luckily, there are tools I can use for those times when she undermines my confidence and affects my comportment.
One thing that has helped me is knowing I don’t have to believe what my inner critic says, and, as Katie Byron suggests, I can just ask myself, is it true? Is it really true? As I seek out evidence to the contrary of my inner critic’s lies, I usually discover that most of her criticisms are in fact not true, and whether those harsh statements are true or not, I’m grateful to have discovered some strategies to address my inner critic in ways that build me up instead of breaking me down. One such strategy is investigating the root causes of the criticism with curiosity and kindness.
Lisa Sun, successful business owner and author of Gravitas: The Eight Strengths that Redefine Confidence, identifies the following six forces that form the basis of our inner critics and hold us back from being fully confident:
- Deficit mindset—seeing our flaws over our strengths
- Shrinking effect—underestimating ourselves against the abilities of others
- Satisfaction conundrum—tying our happiness or self-worth to an external marker of success
- Superhero façade—convincing everyone that everything is okay everywhere
- Setback spiral—applying one piece of negative feedback in one area to all areas
- Systemic bias—realizing that life is indeed unfair for some more than for others
Just being aware of these causes and identifying which ones might be at play during each incident of inner criticism provides insight and weakens their hold on us. Sun says she addresses this negative self-talk by asking her clients three key questions:
- What are you most proud of in your life?
- If your best friends were standing here, what would they tell us about you?
- What are you the best at in the world?
Answering those seemingly simple questions is challenging, yet empowering, in part because we’re focusing on the good. By choosing to put our attention there instead of on negative self-talk, we’re growing our confidence.
In her book Sun writes, “Self-confidence is a choice and a mindset before it becomes a behavior,” and she lists eight superpowers that underpin positive self-belief, what she calls our confidence language:
- Leading—sets direction, in charge, inspire followers
- Performing—displays extroversion, charisma
- Achieving—gets things done, on time, has winner’s mindset
- Knowing—does research, is smart, knowledgeable
- Giving—supports others, empathetic, nurturing, collaborative
- Believing—has positive and optimistic outlook on the future, sees the best in everyone
- Creating—wills ideas into existence, make something for nothing
- Self-sustaining—likes and value self, doesn’t need to please anyone
I took the quiz found in Chapter 3 of Sun’s book and also available for free at myconfidencelanguage.com, and it’s true what she says: If we discover our strengths and take the time to connect our superpowers to the specific events in our lives, we “expand the concentric circles of our lives,” feel “more courageous, compassionate, and connected,” and are able to carry ourselves with dignity and poise.
Although it’s not always easy work to quiet our inner critic, there are many useful strategies we can try. I’ve found Sun’s suggestions and superpowers to be a natural complement to Amy Cuddy’s recommendation of power posing and Mel Robbins’ daily advice to create a “high-five habit.” Yes, I actually do sometimes stand like Superwoman, and I give myself a high five in the bathroom mirror almost every morning. Those strategies, in addition to reframing harsh statements, focusing on my strengths, and practicing daily mindfulness and meditation, have enabled me to quiet the inner critic and show up in my life with greater presence and confidence.
Connect with us in the comments to share your victories with replacing negative self-talk, identifying superpowers, or building confidence and presence. We’d love to hear from you.
Author: Terry Shamblin
Mindful Life Connections 