I’ve been practicing the art of surrender across select aspects of my life for quite a few years now, but, upon reflecting on the tangible benefits this approach has graced me with in those areas, I’ve begun to make surrender one of my default states of being, right up there with joy and peace. Surrendering—the act of letting go by letting be while releasing the need to control outcomes—is what Tara Brach calls “radical acceptance”; is when life begins, according to Marianne Williamson; and is what Eckhart Tolle describes as a yes state that enables us to work with life instead of against it.
Surrendering isn’t quitting, succumbing, caving in, or crumbling in defeat. In fact, true surrender is not passive at all. Surrender occurs after we’ve aligned our intentions and actions and then acted upon the recognition that we’ve done all we could to the best of our abilities given the circumstances we faced at the time. Surrender requires our strength and trust as we to step out of conditioned ways of doing and being in order to change our thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors.
It’s hard to let go of fear, worry, regret, or anxiety over an outcome we can’t control, but doing so makes us stronger, wiser, better human beings and leads us into deeper states of grace. Surrender, according to Berkeley’s Well-Being Institute, is a coping skill worth developing because it decreases stress, increases our ability to respond instead of react, helps us move forward, and improves our senses of health, wellness, peace, and psychological well-being.
So how do we surrender without feeling like we’ve given up? How do we let go and move on from our outrages and furies without fighting or perseverating on what we think should and shouldn’t have happened? Here at Mindful Life Connections, we’ve developed a four-step process anyone can follow to move away from the turmoil of hanging on and move closer to feeling the presence of grace more often: Accept, do, release, allow.
These terms can mean different things to different people at different times, so maybe an exploration of their interpretations followed by some examples of how I’ve applied these steps of surrender in my life might help you apply them in yours.
- Accept: By acknowledging the present reality of the matter, the existence of the problem, the effects of the behavior, the limitations of our intervention, or whatever it is we need to accept, we begin to stop struggling against what is and open ourselves up to receive what could be.
- Do: Surrendering is an active endeavor best pursued only after we’ve taken whatever actions we could take and done so to the best of our abilities given the resources we had access to at the time, and then, once we’ve reached the place where we’ve determined surrender is the best course of action to take, we also do the work necessary to make surrender happen—beginning with acceptance and moving on to perhaps deconstructing our feelings, granting forgiveness to ourselves and others, learning to navigate changed circumstances, or whatever is appropriate for our unique situation.
- Release: After we’ve done all we could and accepted our situation, there’s nothing left to do but let it go, give up control, and trust in the process, whether it’s the process of what you’re doing, the process of life, the process of ADRA, or all three. Etymologically, surrender means to give something up and to give and get back; to move over, above, and beyond what we release to become clearer—or rendered—into a different state of being. Releasing creates the space and the conditions for grace to appear in our lives.
- Allow: The final step, allowing, is where grace comes in. Allowing can be defined as having a willingness to meet life as it is and an openness to outcome. It is witnessing the results of our actions, lettings things unfold, and embracing life fully. The thing with grace after surrender is we have to notice and allow its presence into our lives, and this process can help us do that. As Anne Morrow Lindbergh said, “If you surrender completely to the moments as they pass, you live more richly in those moments.” That, to me, is grace.
Although the ADRA steps of surrender can and should be personalized so we each can apply them to the big and small challenges we face in ways that make sense to us, it’s important to know surrender isn’t always a linear, one and done process; as you’ll see in some of the examples below, sometimes steps need to be switched around or repeated, and often times we need to customize the surrendering process to address our own unique needs and concerns.
Issue #1: Road rage
It seems obvious now, but years ago, it was a struggle for me to accept that having road rage was no longer serving me or aligning with the vision of the world I wanted to help create. Once I finally accepted that reality along with the facts that I have no influence over the rules of the road or how other people drive, what I did was adopt new habits and mindsets to reframe my thinking and responses. Instead of name-calling or tail-gating, I slowed down to the speed limit or below and took a more leisurely, courteous approach, letting drivers merge in front of me and assuming that speeding, tail-gating drivers were hurrying to a family emergency. I released tension from my heart, mind, and body while behind the wheel, and, by leaving earlier, I released any need to hurry or blame other drivers for keeping me from somewhere they knew nothing about. Taking those actions allowed grace in so that now I find enjoyment in the nearly two hours I spend driving every day. Between taking in the ever-changing scenery, imagining other drivers’ life scenarios, and listening to books and podcasts, I feel I’ve finally “let go of the smallness of life and fully embrace[d] its totality,” which is how the Chopra Center describes what it means to surrender.
Issue #2: Our past mistakes
We’ve all made those mistakes that we think we can never come back from: I drank too much at a work party; I engaged in gossip about a colleague and they overheard; several of my friends and family died before I could tell them something; I ate an entire bag of cookies; and before quitting a decade and half ago, I smoked cigarettes for over half my life. I could go on and on, but while I remember these instances, I no longer beat myself up about or perseverate on them. I’ve accepted that they happened and taken actions to make sure I don’t do them again, such as speaking directly to the people negatively affected, realizing that I was there for my friends when I could be and am more likely to be there now for the ones who remain alive and well, and giving up nicotine, caffeine, and [most] alcohol and sugar. I’ve released my attachment to many negative behaviors, often by trusting in recovery processes, and I’ve released the perfectionism that made it difficult to forgive myself for making mistakes in the first place. By reflecting on and celebrating how far I’ve come in my journey, I’m now able to allow myself and others the space to enjoy life and move forward instead of letting my past behaviors determine my future outcomes. That to me is a state of grace.
Issue #3: Our children (and theirs) growing up and making us old
What can I say about these issues that hasn’t already been said? Not much, but still, it bears repeating: we must accept our children are only “ours” for a short time, and we can only do the best job we can raising them up and then trust in that process before releasing them into the world by allowing them the space, freedom, and support they need to grow into their best selves. Grace occurs when they realize their potential, come back with their own children, and we watch the process happening all over again.
Grace is accepting my aging reality—again!—and vowing as of today to no longer say, “Things have gone horribly wrong.” Grace comes after accepting our bodies are getting older even while doing what we can to take the best care of them possible, and grace is achieved after releasing unrealistic expectations and allowing the surprises to emerge: that hard-earned streak of gray in my hair, my mom’s chins showing up on my face, the scars that turn into family lore retold around holiday tables, and those easily-won laugh lines around my eyes. Surrendering to the passage of time enables us to age gracefully.
All the other issues:
I realize now I could apply the ADRA surrender process to nearly every area of my life, and when I do, the quality of my life improves exponentially.
Socially: Because we only knew our yoga teacher, Renee and I were somewhat hesitant to join the women’s weekend she’d invited us on a few weeks back, especially knowing we could only stay one night. We accepted the invitation anyway, released expectations, prepared our share of the meals based on one of the spreadsheets, and combined this adventure with a daytrip we’d been wanting to take. We ended up visiting an out of the way Buddhist monastery we happened upon, enjoying our time with these gracious, organized, amazing new women who welcomed us into their circle more than we could’ve ever imagined, and wishing we could’ve stayed longer to learn more about and from them.
Work and vacation: Even with excellent people to work with, running institutes makes me nervous, posting late blogs makes me feel like a bad business partner, and vacations need more planning than just a place to stay, yet that’s the reality I’ve been working on surrendering to these past couple weeks. Accepting that I did all I could enabled me to release any worry or doubt about outcomes and live fully in the moments, and grace came in when it was all behind me and I was able to reflect upon, write about, and deepen my surrender practice while reclining on a hammock overlooking the ocean in Maine feeling gratitude for everything in this wonderful life I’m privileged to live, in large part because I’ve learned it’s okay to surrender.
If you would like more support or information about how letting go can help you move forward, connect with us about workshops, upcoming events, and coaching.
Author: Terry Shamblin
Mindful Life Connections 