Like most of us, I love and value my family, friends, and colleagues and want to maintain the happy and healthy relationships I’m so blessed to experience, so lately I’ve been thinking a lot about how I can deepen the connections I have with the people in my life. Connection helps all of us live better lives; in fact, study after study indicates that the quality of our relationships is the number one indicator of our happiness, life satisfaction, and oftentimes, longevity.
One of the main ways we try to connect with others is through our conversations with them. Every communicative exchange we have, according to Hilda Carpenter has an “afterlife” and leaves either a positive glow that brings us closer or, sadly, a sense of disconnection that moves us farther apart. If our relationships truly are one long conversation with each other, and if those “relationships form and dissolve one conversation at a time” as Carpenter claims, then I want to be even more mindful moving forward of interacting in ways that nurture, maintain, and grow those important connections in my life.
Here are five mindful communication strategies that offer the opportunity to deepen connection in all our relationships.
- Set intentions. We can intend to use what Oren Jay Sofer refers to as anchor points and choice points as mindfully as we can. An anchor point is simply something we focus our mind on, and anchoring on our conversational partner honors them while strengthening our own awareness. Choice points—those moments when we decide whether to listen or to speak—are likely to deepen connection when we pay attention, openly monitor the exchange, and intentionally choose the action most likely to make the other person feel heard and valued. I’m going to set intentions to listen more, speak less, and be brief when I do because, as Celeste Headlee says, “A good conversation is like a miniskirt, short enough to retain interest, but long enough to cover the subject.”
- Be curious. According to Ellen Langer in her Ted Talk, “Mindfulness over Matter,” our perceptions are always incomplete and partial, so we’re better off suspending our judgments and keeping an open mind. We can always learn more about our conversational partner, even if we’ve known them all our lives. Because people change and my interpretations are often wrong, I’m going to ask more meaningful questions while remaining open to ambiguity. I want to be a more flexible conversation partner who builds and deepens connection.
- Practice empathy. Brené Brown describes empathy as “feeling with” someone because we have opened our hearts and compassionately connected with them. Sympathy, on the other hand, has a spoken or unspoken judgment attached to it. Brown says sympathy drives disconnection, as does responding to or “silver-lining” someone’s situation and using the phrase “at least.” In the future I will avoid those kinds of responses because I never want to make anyone feel as if I’ve minimized their experience in any way or that I’m not able to be vulnerable enough to open my heart to them. Empathy will keep us connected.
- Listen and engage. By actively seeking understanding and clarification, instead of thinking about what we might say next and/or choosing our own brand of “personal broadcasting,” we honor and elevate the other person. We deepen our connection with them when we really, truly listen and then engage in that conversation. Julian Treasure suggests we practice RASA—receiving, appreciating, summarizing, and asking—to show we are focused on their message. And when our attention wanders, as it is bound to do, Mitra Manesh advises us to practice mindful listening by using the other person as our anchor and inviting our attention back to what is being said.
- Focus on we instead of me. In her book Five Keys to Mindful Communication, Susan Gillis Chapman uses the image of a traffic light to help us stay mindful and connected in our conversations. The red light is the me-first zone, where we’re listening with an intent to respond instead of to understand. This is where we’re simply waiting for our turn to talk, whereas the green light is the we-first zone we want to be in for useful dialogues that further connection. When I find myself in the yellow zone, in the moment of choice, I want to remember to always choose green, to deepen our connection by putting we before me in every conversation.
What are some mindful communication strategies that you use to foster connection? Connect with us in the comments. We’d love to hear from you!
Mindful Life Connections 