I often wonder why we’re so much harder on ourselves than we are on others, why I hear myself and others speak to and about ourselves in ways we would never say aloud in relation to another human being. Intellectually, many of us recognize how deserving of compassion, grace, tenderness, and understanding we are—and that those things can be qualities sourced from within ourselves as well as feelings bestowed upon us from others—yet, as always, it’s a big leap from theory to practice.
How do we break our self-deprecating tendencies and move ourselves past self-understanding and tolerance into actually feeling kindness, compassion, and love for ourselves? Luckily, there is no shortage of information and concrete action steps for us to follow. According to Dr. Kristin Neff, author of Fierce Self-Compassion and pioneer in the academic study of self–compassion, there are “three entryways into self-compassion: mindfulness, universality, and positive self-regard.”
- Mindfulness: “Mindfulness tenderizes the heart,” writes meditation teacher and author of Radical Compassion, Tara Brach, “and then it teaches us to skillfully be with our emotions.” The first step in breaking any habit or identifying any emotion is to become aware of it and all that surrounds it. How does our inner critic speak to us? Are there any patterns we can identify?
Once we become aware of self-talk or inner beliefs that aren’t serving our highest good, we can take positive steps toward addressing them. Success coach and author Skip Downing offers several strategies to dispute irrational beliefs, including offering positive explanations, proving them wrong by offering evidence to the contrary, questioning their importance, and creating action plans.
- Universality: We all have an inner critic, and we all struggle to be kind and compassionate toward ourselves sometimes. So it’s not just me, or you, or you: it’s everyone, everywhere. Acknowledging the universality of a condition makes it less personal, allows us to gain some distance from it, and drains it of its power.
By accepting our condition as universal, we become better able to zoom out and witness with curiosity and interest what is actually happening as well as whatever stories we may be telling ourselves about what happened. This zooming out, this witnessing “enables us to stop the war within,” says meditation teacher, Jack Kornfield, author of A Path with Heart.
- Positive Self-Regard: Once we’ve become aware, taken actions, zoomed out, and stopped the war within for however long we’ve managed to stop it, it’s always shocking when the inner critic returns. Positive affirmations and the practice of meditation are effective strategies for creating and upholding positive self-regard.
In The High-Five Habit, Mel Robbins suggests we can all stay more upbeat if we give ourselves a high-five in the mirror first thing every morning, and, according to Downing, positive affirmations, such as I am a healthy, well-spoken, intelligent person who is kind to myself and others, will help us develop, acknowledge, and sustain the qualities we hold in high regard.
Kornfield and Brach call mindfulness meditation “training for the conscious and unconscious minds” and ask their students to adopt a “tender half-smile of self-compassion.” Other styles of meditation, such as those practiced by Deepak Chopra and davidji, involve self-inquiry, help us find contentment and joy by turning our restfully alert minds inward, and seek to aid us in developing inner strength as well as a foundation for passion that come from confidence, experience, and achievement. Many practitioners, including Dr. Joe Dispenza, believe meditation can provide freedom from limitation. Regardless of the approach we take during meditation, when we take the time to meditate, the three portals into self-compassion are practiced and deepened.
Now that we’ve “arrived” and moved ourselves forward on the self-compassion continuum, what actions can we take or avoid to deepen and sustain that indispensable mindset? The late, great Louise Hay, author of You Can Heal Your Life offers the following ten steps to foster self-love:
- Stop all self-criticism. If we accept that our words become our reality, then we’d better choose good ones to describe ourselves. Plus, whatever we’re dealing with is most likely difficult enough, so piling criticism and blame onto ourselves only makes it that much harder.
- Avoid scaring ourselves by catastrophizing or imagining worst case scenarios. Hay says we can interrupt the negative loop habit by coming up with a “switch to” image of something more positive, such as a sunrise, roses, Paris, or whatever resonates personally with each person.
- Be gentle, kind, and patient with ourselves as we’re going through this process. If we notice any impatience, she says it is a resistance to learning and growth, which we can then lovingly interrogate through journaling or meditation.
- Practice visualization. Vividly imagine with sensory details how it will be when a situation turns out in our favor. It works for medal-winning Olympians, and picturing what life would be like if we were to stop putting ourselves down and begin putting ourselves first can be a powerful strategy to help us do just that.
- Praise ourselves. It’s not enough to stop putting ourselves down; we need to build ourselves up as well, so Hay was also a huge practitioner of affirmations. I am perfect. I am healthy. I am happy. I love and accept myself. It’s said that what we say after I am is what we become.
- Accept the good in our lives, and believe we deserve it—because we do. And once we accept and welcome positive things into our lives, they will grow and multiply because like attracts like.
- Ask for help and support. We can seek out therapy if we feel we need a professional, join a group of like-minded individuals, and/or ask our friends to help us find ways to rise above and grow beyond self-deprecation into self-acceptance. With additional support, it’s easier to move ourselves into the realm of self-compassion and eventually into forming robust self-love practices.
- Engage in mirror work. Like Robbins, Hay was huge proponent of using the mirror to elevate our feelings toward ourselves. She says to look in our own eyes to forgive ourselves, to let the past go, to practice positive affirmations, and much more. Hay even carried a small compact around and told herself she was looking good multiple times a day.
- Take good care of our bodies. It’s easier to be compassionate if we’re well-rested, nourished, and active, and it’s easier to become well-rested, nourished, and active if we love and accept ourselves with compassion and grace. A healthy body can lead to a healthy mindset.
- Love ourselves now. Let’s not wait another minute. Take small positive action steps each and every day.
We hope these self-compassion suggestions can help us all treat ourselves more kindly. Connect with us to share the strategies you’re using to give yourself the love, compassion, and tenderness you deserve to have in your life.
Author: Terry Shamblin
Mindful Life Connections 