Lately, the idea of reframing has been popping up all over the place in my life. It has been in the books I have been reading, quotes that appear in my social media posts, and music I listen to. Does this happen to you? Do you wonder, like I do, if the ideas are appearing or if you are just noticing them more?
As I have worked to become more aware and live in the moment, I have begun to find moments when I can think about how I am perceiving a situation. What assumptions am I making about myself and the circumstances and people around me? What is the story I am creating? I have thought more about what is actually happening and what I am telling myself about what is happening. I’ve discovered that much of my suffering is self-inflicted and a choice. Not everything – sometimes awful things happen, and I am rightfully heartbroken and despondent. Many times though, it is me.
Among my top contenders for wallowing and creating my own suffering are guilt, resentment, and perfectionism. I’ve tried all kinds of things to rid myself of these emotions and states of mind – prayer, letting go, resolutions, and more. Presently, I am practicing reframing when these feelings surface.
A common example of reframing that I think many can relate to involves traffic. You get caught off by a speedy motorist and your gut reaction is the driver is rude and inconsiderate. Your blood pressure might go up and you might have feelings of anger and resentment. How could someone drive so recklessly? Reframing allows us to consider that the driver may be rushing a loved one to the hospital or have any number of reasons for driving in such a hurry. I’ve found that this method calms me down and dissipates feelings of anger and resentment.
So, how have I used reframing with guilt? Many of my feelings around guilt have to do with not being enough and often involve how I spend my time. I feel guilty about not reaching out or spending enough time with those I care about. I tell myself what others are thinking of me, and I can tell myself some pretty nasty stuff. Reframing has allowed me to consider another perspective. I am learning to change the story I tell myself about what others are saying. I also create space for compassion within myself and for others. After all, I believe we are all just doing the best we can, including me.
I’ll admit that part of me enjoys resentment. Weird, right? In my resentment stories, I am the hero that is doing all the things, while those around me are not living up to the expectations I have created for them. Often, I have not expressed the expectations, but somehow, I still expect those around me to live up to them. I’ve spent too much time in resentment and realized the good feeling is like junk food – it feels great in the moment but has a slow negative impact. Being more mindful has helped me realize that I do not have to choose to be upset with those around me for my choices. I can reframe and tell myself we are all just trying to be happy and looking for love and connection. I am worthy enough to express my needs and my choices are my own – they have nothing to do with the choices of the people around me.
Perfectionism is a tough one for me. Reframing has helped me see that good enough is enough. Every time I sense the critic in my head telling me I am not enough, I can offer self-compassion that I’m doing my best. It has made me realize when I am overworked, overtired, and stressed. I can see those feelings as signals to take a break, go outside, breathe.
What are your top areas for self-inflicted suffering? How might reframing be supportive in your mindfulness journey? Please share in the comments.
Author: Renee Dimino
Mindful Life Connections 